AUBG to have its own airport

 

In a secret meeting of the Floorboard of Thrusters (FoT), a crucial decision as to the further development of AUBG has been reached. Aided by 45 thousand billion Zimbabwean dollars from the Zimbabwe government, and another $5 from the SG, the unanimous decision of the FoT was to start building an international airport that will serve the AUBG community.

A panel of international architects has been employed to carry out this project. The groundbreaking ceremony will take place at the beginning of next semester, AUBG President Goliath Horseflower said. "It is an incredible achievement for any American University. [...] The Student Center and all other buildings will be delayed for now, while the airport is being built. It is our top priority right now," Horseflower added.

An internal document of the Department of Aviation and Space Exploration of AUBG states that the name of the new airport will be Pope Alexander John Panic the Second Airport (AJP), and will have two terminals - one for domestic and one for international flights. All airport communications will be supervised by the Office of Closed Communications (OCC) and volunteering RAs.

AUBG will also open a new airline - named PanAir, which will connect Pope Alexander John Panic the Second Airport to the rest of the world. Daily flights will be scheduled to Amsterdam and various other locations in countries where marijuana is legalized, and Belarus, where the Student Government will organize field trips for students to observe a successful democracy. The airline will run seasonal flights to Provincetown, Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard, on non-stop flights aboard the latest 1984 Antonov aircrafts. The planes will have three classes - the upper class, also known as SG (Super Glory) class; the middle class, also known as Debate Club class; and the economy class, also known as Gossip Group class. Passengers in Gossip Group Class are expected to bring their own life-saving equipment in case of an emergency.

Catering, both on the ground and in the air, will be provided by the renowned AUBG cafeteria ladies, daily menu consisting of "tost sus shunka i kashkaval" and "7 days max sus shokolat." The AUBG Cheerleading Club will play an important role, as their members will serve as flight attendants. In the SG class, they will also offer complimentary tap dances for passengers aboard transatlantic flights. On board entertainment will consist of recordings of songs from the university's Musical performances. "The music will soothe the inner spirit of all the passengers, and whoever doesn't like it, can pay a non-refundable $55 fee for ear-plugs," musical director Adam Corndog said. For now, the Airport executives have ordered 12,000 ear plugs, just in case.

The domestic terminal will operate single engine, barely functional propeller planes that will transport passengers from AJP to the Main Building Plaza, Sound Bar, Underground and Piano Bar. Secretary General of the One and Only Party of AUBG, whose name strangely resembles the airport name, said this initiative is an independent effort. "I have not, in any way taken this decision to build the airport, but I am very happy that my (uhm, I mean) the achievements of this university are being acknowledged through such a grand project." He will supervise the project and provide additional comments regarding the design. "I think my, I mean the university has proved once again it cherishes true potential," the secretary general added.

The Airport is expected to be completed by fall 2011.